It's Funny Because It's True
by IWantALLtheIceCreamFlavours
Summary: Hannah Wright. Another new girl in Hogwarts. Except she's not Voldemort's spawn or a damsel in distress or a 6 foot Victoria's Secret bombshell with massive knockers bursting out of her clothes. Thank god for that too... read on to find out who she is.


I wrote this story with no real intention of taking it anywhere. I started typing it while watching TV and now it's 1am. So this is the result of whatever happened in those few short hours. Please, read. Tell me what you think.

And the views and ideas expressed by this character in this story to not represent my own. I'm parodying. And it's been found funny before. We all need a little controversy, if you find any of controversial.

Have fun.

She could feel the hundreds of pairs of eyes glaring intently at her as she sat alone on the stool, in front of everyone as they watched her about to be sorted. She was so nervous that she could feel her heart beating all the way down to her arse and her blood was pumping loudly and hotly into her ears like a pair of bongo drums.

BOOM. BOOM. BOOM went the beating of the blood against her skull.

The Sorting Hat rustled animatedly against her head and silently whispered some short words into her ear.

"Interesting…" it muttered. "Very… interesting."

"What's so interesting?" she said back.

"It seems… you belong in…

HUFFLEPUFF!" it shouted and its voice resonated over the entire Hall.

She sat still for moment, frozen on the chair. Then all of a sudden she yelled.

"What? WHAT? HUFFLEPUFF?" she stood up violently, the chair quickly falling behind her, the Sorting Hat also falling to the floor. Everyone's eyes widened at her in shock. She continued shouting.

"Are you serious? You can't be fucking serious! Hufflepuff sucks! They're… they're not even people! They're the leftovers of Hogwarts! They're the brussel sprouts of dinner plates! They're like the orange flavoured candies of any packet of candy you happen to buy! The orange candies are always the ones leftover! Sort me into a different house!" she shrieked, pointing her wand threateningly at the hat. "Or I swear I'll do it!"

Whatever _it_ happened to be somehow got the hat sitting on her head soon enough. It fumbled on her head, this time nervously, silently pondering the alternatives inside its own hattish mind.

"Ravenclaw!".

"That's better. Could've done without the prior embarrassment though" she muttered to herself as she walked casually to the Ravenclaw table. There was a fair distance between her and the other Ravenclaws as she placed herself on their table, but she didn't seem to notice at all.

A startled Minerva McGonagall approached the audience of the Great Hall and observed as each of the students were exchanging odd looks in regard to what had just occurred. Without hesitation, she announced in her stern and professor-like voice

"I'd like you all to give Ms Hannah Wright a warm welcome as she settles in to Hogwarts. Ms Wright will begin lessons tomorrow with the sixth years. I trust you'll _all _help her _settle_ in". Professor McGonagall's emphasis on the words 'all' and 'settle' gave light to the arduous task that was ahead that some would have to face in socialising with this seemingly angry and difficult girl.

After the feast, much whispery discussion ensued between almost every student over Hannah Wright's fiery outburst. The Hufflepuffs were of course enraged that anyone should say such a thing about them. The idea of being referred to as _leftovers_ was incredibly insulting to what a true Hufflepuff stands for. The Ravenclaws and Gryffindors were in mutual agreement. The Slytherins however, mocked the entire situation and got a good laugh out of it too.

"It's funny because it's true!" Draco Malfoy snickered to his two gorilla-like cronies Crabbe and Goyle. Malfoy wasn't exactly sure though if either of them understood the connection between truth and hilarity.

All this discussion was just out of earshot for Hannah. She was being awkwardly avoided, of course, by her not so fellow Ravenclaws as they all headed to their common rooms. They quickly moulded together into little clusters of groups and she was left slowly tagging behind. Feeling absolutely no dejection whatsoever, she caught up to the group that was closest to her.

"Hi. My name's Hannah. I know that you already know that". She said with an enthusiastic grin.

An awkward silence followed. Luckily one of the Ravenclaws decided to break the ice.

"Uh, hi… I'm Marietta. This is my friend Cho."

"Oh! What a combination we have. A red-head and an Asian. An interesting duo!" she laughed.

Marietta and Cho exchanged glances of astonishment.

"So… I hear the entrance to your common room's a right old kick up the arse if you don't get the answer to that riddle. Silly idea, a riddle for a common-room password if you ask me. Any idiot with enough muster could solve it and get it. You don't have to be a Ravenclaw"

"I never really though of it that way…" Cho Chang muttered. Marietta nudged her.

"Well I did. That's why I'm in Ravenclaw I suppose."

The urge to bring up the previous incident for both Cho and Marietta was overwhelming, but at the same time they hesitated. Before Marietta was about to open her mouth they had already reached the white marble statue of Rowena Ravenclaw.

Upon solving the riddle (which the author was just too lazy to bother about including) they entered, went up to their dormitories as crawled into bed.

Hannah sat up in her bed for most of the night above the covers. She eyed the room encased in its darkness, glaring at the objects and perceiving how differently they were shaped when there was no light to reveal them.

"Maybe they're being themselves this way" she whispered to herself "because this way there's no one who can really see them"…

The next morning everyone wanted to get to breakfast early. It was the first day of lessons and no one was interested in running late. The hustle and bustle of timetables and nervousness in the air gave Hannah a feeling of excitement she hadn't felt in a while. She scanned the busy hall with a critical eye, choosing the seat that she felt called her name more than the others. She casually plopped herself down next to a bushy brown haired girl sitting across from a gangly boy with red hair and freckles.

"Hello there!" she chimed. "I'm Hannah!"

The red-headed boy coughed into his pumpkin juice upon Hannah's arrival. The bushy haired girl kicked him from under the table.

"Hi Hannah. I'm Hermione. This is Ronald. Ronald, say hello".

"Uh, hi…" Ronald glanced sideways, avoiding eye contact with Hannah who seemed to intimidate him.

"Did you notice Hermione that your friend Ronald has red hair?" she asked casually.

"What have you got to say about my hair?" Ron suddenly shot.

"It's just funny, that's all. Everyone knows why redheads are funny. They're odd people… And they leave everyone curious too. The first red head I ever met, I was pondering one thing. Quite a distraction really, if you're trying to get to know them"

Ron's face turned a bright red colour. He glared at Hermione as if expecting her to say something in his defence. Instead she asked Hannah

"Aren't you meant to be sitting at the Ravenclaw table? With your house mates?"

Hannah only smirked in her direction and replied "I do as I please. This seat called out to me. It had an aura. It had a light shining on it. It felt as though if I did not allow fate to choose for me this very seat on this very day, my life would have turned out very differently!" she proclaimed with enthusiasm.

"I hardly doubt that a simple choice of seating arrangements determine-"

Hannah cut Hermione off.

"There's a lot that such a simple thing can determine."

"Oh really, how so?" Hermione asked.

"Well. Imagine you're driving a car and you either have a place to be, or you don't. Your choice really. So. You come across this section on the road. You can turn left. You can turn right. You can go straight. Or you can, if you really feel it calling your name, you can drive all the way back home, the way you came, never knowing what would have happened if you had taken one of those routes. Or even better, you could drive all the way back, right past your house, and you could see what the world has to offer at the other side".

"What do you even mean by that?" Ron asked. "Where's Harry anyway, why's he late to breakfast?"

"Never mind that now" Hermione said. "It's class time" she glanced at her watch and stood up from her table with her very large and heavy bag of books dragging behind her.  
"Wow. Large sac of books you got. Taking extra subjects? Doing extensive study I assume?' Hannah chimed.

"Yes… what of it?" Hermione asked in an annoyed tone.

"Well…. Judging by your character and general studious demeanour I'd say the weight of all those bulky books is equivalent to the weight of your severe insecurities, no doubt. You're obviously possessed by the 'If I'm not the best I ought to just kill myself' attitude. Quite obvious really". Hermione looked dejected at this statement, but very quickly tried to hide the expression in her face.

"Where do you get off saying that?" Ron snapped at Hannah. "You're just what we needed at breakfast!"

"Glad to be the butter on your bread" Hannah only smiled back.

"Let's go Ron. Come on. I'd like to get to class early". Hermione walked quickly away from the table. Ron glared daggers at Hannah, and mouthed some profanities at her before turning around and following Hermione.

"Well aren't I just the lovable honey bunny of candy-cane of joy?" Hannah chirruped to herself as she stood up with some toast in one hand ready to head for class.

At the end of all her lessons that day, Hannah reflected on the humorous and somewhat tedious day she had encountered. First period was Transfiguration with the Gryffindors. The two new friends she had met at breakfast were of course glad to find that she'd be joining them for their first lesson. The tomato- complexioned red-head mouthed "That's her!" to a skinny boy with messy black hair. He had turned around to take a peek at who it was. Hannah had waved furiously at them and went right over to join them, placing herself next to the dark haired boy.

"Greetings friends! I'm sure your red-headed chum has filled you in on who I am! Might I ask who you are?"

"Harry."

"Well hello there Harry, pleased to be making your acquaintance!" she reached over and shook hand furiously. "Odd scar you have there. Funny how it's a lightening bolt shape. Did you carve it in your forehead yourself so you would look cool or something? I think you might have got it backwards".

It was now evident to Harry why Ron and Hermione had taken such a strong liking to this new girl before.

Next class was Potions with the Hufflepuffs. Each and every single Hufflepuff gave Hannah a furious glare. She waved back at them.

She joined Cho and Marietta at their table.

"Well I'd rather not bother sitting anywhere near those 'special' people over there!" she said, indicating at the Hufflepuffs.

Cho and Marietta looked embarrassed to have Hannah join them, but neither of them were willing to say anything.

"You know I spoke with that unusual red headed boy earlier today. That ginger up in Gryffindor. You know what I think would be utterly hilarious? If you" she pointed at Marietta- "and him bred and made a bunch of red headed babies! What a load of inbreeding that would be. You know what would even stranger! If you did too!" she was now directing her attentions to Cho. "A ginger Asian baby. Oh the hilarity! And then you know what I would do if I was like Hitler or something and I was running this human breeding program? I'd get your children to mate and see what results would ensue! Actually I wouldn't have to be Hitler, I'd do it anyway".

"What? What the hell?" Marietta and Cho were dumbfounded at what came out of Hannah's mouth.

And so, the day pursued as such. Hannah's marvellous talents with conversation truly aided in her making of many new and wonderful friends, which is why she was spending her time alone in her dormitory that cool and rainy afternoon. It was an interesting first day at Hogwarts and she was looking forward to whatever joys the ext day had to bring…

Alright, so that's what I have so far.

Bear with me. Because I know there are inconsistencies. One of those being the question of Hannah's origin. I myself do not know and choose not to know. Or care. Remember. It's 1am. This is spontaneous.

So leave a review, for I am truly curious about what I have just produced.

And also, if you could possibly leave a constructive yet critical note on the style of my writing and the way I have used metaphors ad descriptions and techniques etc in this story, it would be great. (I could at least know where I'm going with creative writing so I could do a bit better with it in school).

Thankyou for whatever you choose to write to me.


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